Hidden Emotions
by Alexandrei Mc Fharlaey
Summary: A solon/Seed ficcie... *Shounen ai*


Can you see me ?  
  
Disclaimers : I don't own these characters. They belong to Konami Computer Entertainment Tokyo. However the story is mine, I'm the author after all…that doesn't mean that I'm making profit from my fic, so please don't bother me. I'm a poor student anyway.  
  
Warnings : the story contains shounen ai / OOCness…  
  
I repeat : the story contains allusions to male/male relationship…  
  
No particular spoilers.  
  
~* * * * * * * * * * * *~  
  
Author's note : Solon Jhee, Culgan and Seed. They are the three characters of this story, though you'll have to find who's who.  
  
That stuff is lame and pointless. I've never been able to express thoughts and feelings properly. Don't read unless you have time to waste.  
  
~* * * * * * * * * * * *~  
  
He keeps saying that I'm a special young man, that I'm important to him.  
  
So many sincere words, so many tender whispers.  
  
He cares deeply for me, and I can see it in his eyes.  
  
However, strangely enough none of what he says or does seems to reach me.  
  
It means nothing to me.  
  
Nothing at all.  
  
It's not like I don't care about him, because I do…but the fact is that I can't really pay attention to him whereas he isn't the one I truly desire.  
  
He isn't « you ».  
  
And « you »'re the one who hold my heart, but you don't even know it.  
  
I wish he weren't the one telling me all those words of love.  
  
I wish it were « you ».  
  
You…and only you.  
  
I wish they were your words ; your words, for me.  
  
But such a moment will never happen, will it ?  
  
Your heart is out of my reach and I know it so very well…  
  
You don't have the faintest feeling for me.  
  
We are not friends. Yes, we work together, as a team…but we're not friends. And I know I'll never even have this closeness.  
  
You consider people either as allies or as enemies and that's it. You don't want to hear about friends, comrades,…lovers.  
  
Those words are not part of your vocabulary because they are synonyms of « failure », « flaw », « weakness ».  
  
But, can't you see that love can also give you strenght and power ?  
  
And it also brings happiness. You wouldn't feel all alone anymore and neither would I…  
  
You never smile ; I mean, you're always so serious whatever you're doing. I'm sure you have a nice laugh and a very warm smile…  
  
And here I go again, dreaming about you.  
  
Hah, I sound so pathetic…Like some teenage girl sighing over her idol or something. Am I that desperate ?  
  
I can still remember our first encounter.  
  
I don't know what you thought about me at that time, but as far as I'm concerned, it was hate at first sight.  
  
Nice first impression, wasn't it ?  
  
I thought you were arrogant, uncaring, a total jerk in a word. I couldn't even believe you were one of the best general in Highland. I didn't trust you at all and did everything to provoke some argument but you have always managed to remain impassive and cold.  
  
That was very frustrating.  
  
You were – and still are – pretty popular from what I heard of your men. They kept praising your skills, your charisma…  
  
I used to be so jealous.  
  
I really did hate you back then.  
  
And then I began studying you, trying to discover your weaknesses, your most horrible secrets. I listened in conversations among the other soldiers and I learned a few interesting facts about you.  
  
Things I would have never even guessed.  
  
The more I learnt about you, the better I wanted to get to know you. My opinion about you completely changed.  
  
I learnt you had a family living in a small village. Your numerous siblings are the reason why you care so much about your military career. You send your money to them.  
  
How stupid of me to believe you were selfish.  
  
I learnt that you were understanding and sensitive. You didn't want to show it though, but anyone can understand why. You're a soldier, we all are, and soldiers don't have emotions. They just fight, kill and protect. But you've always known how to treat your men : like human beings and not like animals.  
  
How foolish of me to think you were unfeeling.  
  
I also learnt you were strong. Amazingly strong.  
  
You're the most powerful warrior, the greatest swordman I've ever seen.  
  
That's why I like fighting by your side.  
  
Whenever I'm around you in a battle, I can sense this aura of strenght emanating from you and I feel safe.  
  
But you've never noticed that, have you ?  
  
I don't want you to look at me with disgust or such ; as a result I try my best to improve my skills.  
  
I want to show you that I'm strong and trustworthy.  
  
Anything to gain your approval.  
  
Anything to gain your full attention.  
  
I understood that you were not that cold, it's just a facade. I've caught a glimpse of the real you beneath the mask ; and I happened to like this person a lot.  
  
That's when the attraction really began.  
  
At first I wasn't aware at all about it, but when I realised what was going on, it was too late.  
  
I was falling in love with you.  
  
Deep and hard.  
  
I also realised that you would never return the feelings.  
  
It hurt.  
  
I wonder what's on your mind. You seem so worried lately.  
  
I don't dare approaching you, talking to you. You can be such an impressive figure with this dark armor of yours.  
  
And your eyes give nothing away…  
  
Your eyes…  
  
They are such a mystery, either deep and dark, or cold as steel and ice, or bright and clear. It just depends on your mood, but either way, they are always mesmerizing, fascinating.  
  
Another part of your charm, I guess.  
  
You're sitting in a corner of the tent, quiet as always, observing some plan or map. I can tell there's something that seriously bothers you because you're slightly frowning.  
  
Heh, I was right, you're getting up and going to Culgan. Obviously you have some question to ask. I can't figure out what you're saying but I can hear your voice and it's all that matters to me for the moment.  
  
I close my eyes and listen to your velvety and deep voice.  
  
I think it's the most beautiful melody I've ever heard. The sound is rich, clear and so very warm…I lose myself in this soft and soothing lullaby…  
  
Suddenly I feel something…or rather someone tapping my shoulder. My eyes snap open as I try to recollect.  
  
What the…  
  
I must have fallen asleep…  
  
….  
  
….  
  
Oh.  
  
My.  
  
God.  
  
My breath catches in my throat, leaving me completely speechless and helpless.  
  
You're standing near me !  
  
My heart skips a beat.  
  
I nearly choke.  
  
You're just « there » !! So close… !  
  
Hello Seed, say something!  
  
Earth to Seed ! Open that mouth of yours !! So, say something, anything will do, but avoid staring at him like this ; he'll think you're insane…  
  
Great, now I'm even talking to myself.  
  
You're looking at me and I realise that you've been asking me if I was alright. I stutter something, looking away.  
  
Wait, is it concern that I see in your eyes ?  
  
Or is it just my imagination playing some cruel joke on me ?  
  
And now I'm blushing. I've aways been lucky.  
  
You raise an eyebrow and give me a quizzical look.  
  
What am I going to say ? What am I « supposed » to say ??  
  
Then you speak again. I think you must have sensed my discomfort…You're telling me to go and have some rest because I look tired…  
  
Do you care for me ?  
  
No, you must be thinking that a healthy ally is always better than a worn out one…  
  
That's all…  
  
That's all…  
  
I slowly get up to do what I've been told to. Before exiting the tent, I glance at you once more…you're still talking about that dumb map/plan with him…  
  
Heh, I could almost wish to be the piece of paper you're holding.  
  
Funny, isn't it ? I would almost laugh if I wasn't that desperate.  
  
The great and fearless red headed general wanting to be given as much attention as a mere map…  
  
I'm seriously insane and tired.  
  
I sigh and finally leave the main tent for my own tent.  
  
Once I lie down, I quickly close my eyes, exhaustion rushing through me. I feel numb…I'm barely able to think properly anymore. But before sleep completely claims me, I whisper to you those little words you'll probably never hear in reality.  
  
I love you Solon Jhee…  
  
~* * * * * * * * * * * *~  
  
There. Another bad fic. I have the feeling that I'm the worst author ever.  
  
So it wasn't that hard to find who's who, ne ? 'I' was for Seed, 'You' was for Solon, 'He' was for Culgan.  
  
Yeah now it's Solon/Seed. They are meant for each other !  
  
Why ? You dare ask me « why » ?  
  
Simple answer : because. =D  
  
What do you mean it's no proper answer ? 


End file.
